


Jaune's Awakening

by Big_Diesel



Series: The House of RWBY Collection [7]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harem, Attempt at Humor, Children, Christmas Smut, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crossdressing, Crossdressing Kink, Dark Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Doctor/Patient, Double Entendre, Escort Service, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Femdom, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Golf, Harems, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Multi, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Poor Life Choices, Pregnancy, Romantic Comedy, Santa Kink, Sexual Humor, Surrogacy, Tongue-in-cheek, Two Shot, Yandere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-06-20 12:57:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15534732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_Diesel/pseuds/Big_Diesel
Summary: A series of one-shots and short chapters of humor, romance, mishaps, misadventures between Jaune and the women of RWBY. Jaune is the hero of these stories. What led to these events? Find out in the anthology Jaune's Awakening. {AU}Update on 9/30/18: The Ill Attempts of Comedy (Part I)Update on 11/23/18: The Ill Attempts of Comedy (Part II)





	1. The Visit (Jaune x Kali)

_**Kali and Ghira await for their sperm donor. Jaune was looking for a sale to buy his Vespa. How do these two go together? READ at YOUR own risk. Seriously, it's humor. Enjoy!** _

Kali and Ghira Belladonna's decision to hire a surrogate father was one of the hardest decisions to make. Of course, Kali would have loved if her second child-to-be belonged to Ghira. However, potency has been an issue in his old age. They have talked with therapists, doctors, and the like. They were unified with the decision of adoption or getting a sperm donor.

They were expecting him this afternoon.

The Belladonna's were sitting in the kitchen, holding hands and listening to the sounds of coffee brewing.

"Are you sure with the decision?" Kali rubbed her hands gently of her lover. Ghira took deep breaths, inhaling sharply as the decision was a harsh one. "Baby, this is rough. Blake even disagrees. No matter how I think or feel, I will still love you."

Kali stroked his cheek, wiping the tear from his eye. "I love you, too, darling." She pressed her soft lips to his. The couple shared a passionate kiss until the sound of his cell phone went off.

Work was to be attended, which gave the sperm donor enough time to take care of his business with Kali. They wanted it as natural as possible.

As he grabbed his afternoon coffee and prepare to leave, he felt the grips of Kali. Her pleading eyes were met with his. "Don't worry, dear. I will think of you. I love you."

He kissed her on the cheek. "Ditto." He embraced her before setting off to work.

Kali closed the door and returned to the kitchen. She poured herself a cup of coffee and waited for his arrival. With Blake off to university, there shouldn't be any concerns or unexpected visitors. She made a silent prayer to Oum. She looked at the wedding ring that defined their relationship. She ingested the coffee to keep herself from crying.

* * *

Jaune Arc parked his bike at the foot of the street. He chained the bike at a lamppost in case of tempting robbers. The nineteen-year-old teen was working was working as a door-to-door amateur photographer, which was one of his odd jobs. If he wasn't a fee collector, paperboy, or vacuum salesman, this was what he was doing.

He grabbed his backpack that contained his supplies. The blonde was grateful to have earned a few dollars. He was saving up for a Vespa. A Vespa similar to the one from his favorite anime program. He needed a few more hundred dollars and the Vespa was his.

For now, his bike would have to do.

He was familiar with the Belladonna residence. He was excited. The housewife and former White Fang leader wouldn't mind helping a friend of their daughter. He rung the door. He rubbed his hands, looking to Oum in hopes of making a sale.

He heard the footsteps before the door opened. He was met with the beautiful Faunus standing at the door. She was beautiful, elegant, divine, and charming. She smelled of a moist flower. She was sweet, dependable, trustworthy, and an overall wonderful woman. She is a devoted wife and mother. He envied Ghira and Blake.

Her eyes widened like saucers when seeing Jaune standing at the door.

"Jaune?"

"Mrs. Belladonna," said the blonde nervously. "Good morning. How are you?"

Kali gripped her at her sundress. Ghira wanted her sperm donor to be a surprise. He had told her that he was a suitable candidate. She didn't realize that the sperm donor was the best friend of her daughter.

"I'm good, dear." She was fumbling. She was still in shock that she was going to consummate her pregnancy with a teenager.

At least it was Jaune and not any random stranger. "Come on in, Jaune. I've been expecting you." She eagerly pulled him inside of the house. "Come inside of the kitchen with me. We can talk in there." She looked at him. "Do you care for a drink before we get started."

"Um, sure, Mrs. Belladonna," said Jaune. "What do you have?" Jaune took a seat as she walked to the refrigerator. She was searching for beverages that would excite the teen.

"I have sparkling wine and vodka if you are interested," she told him.

Jaune laughed as he tapped the table. "Mrs. B., you are funny. You know I can't drink. I would like a glass of water if you please."

"Water?" She concluded that Jaune didn't like anything influencing him when they prepare to have sex. She couldn't blame him. Yet again, Jaune was a suitable candidate. His genes would do well for the Belladonna family.

She handed him a glass of water. Jaune thanked her as she took a seat. "Once again, Jaune. Thank you for coming. I was expecting you to pop by at some point."

Jaune was a regular in the neighborhood, so he wasn't surprised. "Yes, ma'am. I am glad. I mean this line of work, I've become an expert when specializing in satisfying my customers, I think."

Kali agreed with Jaune as she took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee. "Yes, Jaune, dear. That was what my husband and I had hoped." She knew that the blonde was full of virility. As the middle child of seven sisters, she knew that Jaune's family was potent in their genetics. She knew without a doubt that she was going to get pregnant.

She crossed her legs. "So, where do you we should start? My husband isn't available until late, so it will be us." She winked. She wanted him to be comfortable. At the same time, she didn't want it to be awkward.

Jaune put his finger to his lip. He was thinking. "Um, I try to perform it like in the living room, or on the couch." He snapped his fingers. "Maybe in your pool. I love giving it out there. So surreal! Also, on the rug in your study is fun. You can really spread out and show your realness."

Kali was taken aback of the places Jaune would do it with his clients. She didn't think he was capable of doing it. Yet again, the places he had mentioned sounded exciting. The couple only made love in the bedroom and the occasional shower. Aside from that, nothing. "In the pool or in the study? Didn't think those places were suitable for Ghira and me."

"Oh, yes ma'am, I guarantee it." Jaune stood up. "I say it because none of us can guarantee a good shot every time. But if we try different positions and I shoot from eight or nine different angles, I am sure that you will be satisfied, Mrs. B."

_Eight or nine different angles? Oh, my Oum. Just to get me pregnant? It is a procedure, not porn._

"Oh, my," she said while covering her mouth. "That's a lot." She looked at her watch. "I have a little time before Ghira returns home for lunch. Can we make it as quick as possible, sweetie? Plus, I know you are quite busy."

Jaune knew that Kali was busy with her affairs. He was a amateur, nevertheless, he believed in the perfection of art. "Yes, Mrs. B., I understand. However, a man must take his time when dealing with this kind of work. My father always taught me when you have a passion, you dig deep into and grind it until it gives in and submits to you." He took a breath. "I know you are pressed for time, but I am afraid if I rush you on this, then you will be disappointed. I mean I am not a one-minute man."

_Don't I know the feeling about one-minute trips._

"Ok, Jaune. I will trust you on this."

"Thank you, Mrs. B."

Jaune was in a business. He was now closer to his Vespa. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a file folder. "Before we continue, I wanted to show you a few pictures."

"Wait a minute, you have documented?"

"Well, yes, ma'am. It is important to keep up with these things for the future if others like it."

The first picture he displayed to Kali was a picture of the Schnee sisters. "These were the practice shots before I gave them their money shot. We were on the floor of their father's work company." He took a sigh. "Those girls were a fit. Fighting and tugging for the demand for more time in front of my equipment."

"Oh, my Lord," she said. "I didn't think Winter and Weiss wanted this."

"Yes, ma'am. These girls were eagerly excited. Nevertheless, after I gave them what they wanted, they went well." He faced Kali. "However, their mother was very difficult to work with."

"Willow?" Kali's heart began beating. Although she was nervous but didn't realize how many potential children belonged to Jaune. Also, the thought that Winter and Weiss were pregnant. Weiss was still in University.

"Despite telling her I was an amateur, Mrs. B., Mrs. Schnee didn't want to hear it. She wanted the full experience," he said to her. "She wanted raw and edgy. So, we did it in the subway."

"Oh, my Oum! Did people see?"

"Yes, ma'am. She wanted the job done right. So much so, that people were crowding around us. They really wanted to get a good look."

Kali was tugging at her sundress. No longer was she nervous, she was confused, frustrated.

And strangely aroused.

She pressed closer to the blonde. "You had so many people watch you and Willow perform?"

"Quite an audience, Mrs. B.," said Jaune excitedly. "For three hours, they watched me work with her. She was constantly yelling, screaming, and squealing my name to get it right. Curfew was getting near so I had to rush my shots." He cracked his knuckles after drinking the rest of his water. "Also, a dog was beginning to nibble on my equipment so I just packed it all in."

Kali was feeling dizzy. She wasn't sure if she could handle any more of this. "A dog? A dog actually chewed on your equipment?"

Jaune nervously rubbed the back of his head. "Slob over all my merchandise. It was cute but took a lot to clean off that load." He took the photos from her and put them in his file folder. "If you are ready, Mrs. B., we can get started."

Kali quietly nodded her head.

Jaune was reaching for his backpack. "Let's get the lube to treat my equipment. I will set up my tripod so that we can work."

"Tripod?" Kali's brain began swelling like a swimming pool. She felt like she was making a big mistake. "A tripod?"

"Yes, something to rest my gear on," replied Jaune. "It's much too heavy for me and can be quite big when getting ready for action."

Kali couldn't handle it. She drifted out of consciousness and landed on the floor.

Jaune ran to her aid. "Mrs. Belladonna? Are you okay?" He snapped her finger. "She fainted."

* * *

A few hours later, Kali woke up and found herself in bed. She immediately checked herself and saw that nothing has been touched. Thinking of Jaune, she went into the kitchen and saw that he wasn't there. As she walked to the table, he left a note.

_Hey, Mrs. B.,_

_I hope you are feeling well. Sorry to have made you faint. I promise to make it up to you._

_Jaune._

_P.S.: Some strange men said that he was going to knock you up. I called the police on the pervert. I hope he doesn't bother you anymore._

When finishing reading the letter, she heard the sound of Ghira walking into the door. She dropped the letter and ran to embrace her husband.

"Hey, sweetie," she said as she kissed him. "I miss you more than ever."

He smiled. "Did everything go okay?"

She kissed him on the cheek. "On second thought, darling, let's adopt."

_**The End!** _


	2. Schnee is German for Failure (Jaune x Schnee!Sisters)

_**You can't believe the things the Schnee family had to go through to redeem themselves. What happened to them? READ at YOUR own risk. Seriously, it's humor. And of course, it doesn't make sense. Might be plotholes, errors, and inconsistency. Why not? Comedy is comedy. Enjoy!** _

_**Warning: the content is pure smut and shouldn't be taken seriously. For real, I am serious. This was so random. The author and his girlfriend don't support and/or endorse this chapter. Once again, it's jokes. Just jokes.** _

* * *

Weiss Schnee submitted herself to a man she didn't know. She closed her eyes as the man entered her sacred temple. They weren't in a hotel room. They weren't in the family home. Or, they were no longer allowed to live in the family home.

"C'mon, baby. I've paid for excitement. At least perk up for me," the stranger said as the snow white princess was acting like a dead lay in bed. She had worst days, this being one of them. How could a woman and former heir to the Schnee fortune sink into this position?

Before this men and women would line up to have the privilege of seeing the snow princess. Now, she was giving "handies" and "innies" outside of a bar/tavern for a few dollars.

As she laid there, lying on hay in what they call a barn instead of a rat pit while this stranger she met at the bar promising her money for sex, she wanted to graciously thank her father for screwing the family one final time.

She meant that spiritually and mentally as she felt the man climaxing inside of her.

The man wiped the sweat off of his brow. "Oum, baby. You were great. Sorry that I came inside."

Weiss didn't answer. She wouldn't answer, granting a silent, dignified response. She reached for the towel and cleaned herself off. "No worries. I always wanted to know that warm sinking feeling I call my life." She slapped herself. "Oh, what a nightmare. Wait a minute? I am living it." Her voice was flat and monotonous. She extended her hand for the john's payment.

$100. $100's worth of her pride, dignity, and her womanhood. She slapped her hands. She knew she had to give a few dollars to the people who had to lend her the barn. Aside from that, she knew her family was going to be okay.

Jacques Schnee, the owner of the Schnee Dust Company, was embezzling funds so he could take care of his women out in Southeast Asia. Firstly, Weiss wasn't aware that there was a Southeast Asia outside of Vale. Secondly, she didn't think the old timer's gear was functioning. At least for women. She didn't forget the nights when her brother Whitley was instructed to go into her father's study for training.

Be as it may, the family fortune ran dry. He left town and his whereabouts were currently unknown. The family became a disgrace. In a matter of days, Weiss and her family went from being the talk of the town to the scum of the Earth. No one would take them in. Weiss wasn't surprised. Their mother and Winter were caught bedeviling to the residence. Winter's rank in the military was stripped away and was honorably discharged.

As for Whitley, he wasn't the same after his father's training in the study. Let's just say that Whitley enjoys riding bikes a bit more than the next guy.

She couldn't find work, or at least no one would hire her. Even if she did find work outside of Vale, the author of this tale would have forbidden her for it would have killed the plot.

With their allocated resources, the girls and Whitley resorted to a studio apartment above a tavern. The same tavern where she found her dates.

Weiss entered the residence. She was glad to see her sisters, Winter and Whitley sitting at the table waiting for her. The girls were happy as they ran to embrace their sister. Comfort was what she needed.

And also a tampon and a morning-after pill.

She gave them the money. "This should be enough to hold us down." Winter took the money, putting it in a jar and placing it inside of the cabinet. Weiss was given a cup of tea from Whitley. "Here you go, sis."

"Thanks, love," she told Whitley as she ingested the tea. "Damn, I had a rough night."

"Tough break, sis," asked Winter as she took a seat. "It is easier with the military. They don't mind giving it away. I get extra for being formerly part of it."

Despite Winter's dishonorable discharge, they gave her a position they think she was deserved, the men's public sanitational engineer.

"What can I say," she told her sisters. "At least I am getting a decent wage and it does wonders for my complexion." She showed her arms. "Smooth and safe skin."

Whitley was getting herself a cup of tea. "She's right, sis. Being escorts isn't our proudest profession, but we must stay proud and prideful. We shouldn't let them get to us." She took a sip. "At least you guys are getting paid. I am just grateful to have something warm in my stomach. It makes it easier when we don't have food at night."

Weiss wrapped her arms around her sisters. "Don't worry, girls. Trouble don't last always. We will get better. Someday, an opportunity is going to knock at our doorstep."

A few moments later, the sound of the door was unlocked. Their mother came and entered the room. In her hands were packages of cigarettes and alcohol.

"And I spoke too soon," said Weiss.

"Shut your pie hole," scoffed Willow as she came inside. "Anyway, gather around girls. Your mother, Willow, has some good news for you." Weiss, Winter, and Whitley gathered around the table to listen to their mother's news. "How would you feel if you guys were to get married?"

The response was met with laughter.

"Who wants to marry us," said Winter. "That's like saying that Clay Aiken isn't gay. He just likes taking it to impress women."

"Or telling Lil Pump that he makes real music," said Weiss.

"Or Dad telling me that my penis is just an enlarged clitoris," said Whitley.

Willow tapped the table. "Listen." She pointed at Weiss. "Do you remember that Jaune boy?"

Weiss shook her head. "Yeah, Jaune Arc. What about him?"

"Well, as you know, the Arc family had run into some money after their father got in an  _accident_ ," said Willow. She reached into her purse, showing a pair of pliers, a blowtorch, and brake cables. "So, anyway, I told Jaune that you guys were available and he doesn't mind getting to know you girls. Especially you, Weiss," she said as she winked at Weiss.

"Vomit Boy? Really, Mom?"

"He is a rich vomit boy now," she said. "Thanks to yours truly. Anyway, if you marry into the family, we can restore our fortune."

Weiss bit her lip. "Mom, I would rather lick the bathroom floor before being with Vomit Boy."

"Doesn't stop you from fucking random men on those pissy bathroom floors," interjected Willow.

"Ok, I stand corrected." She took a breath. "If so, why would he take us. You must realize that we aren't in the best of situations."

"Relax, child," said Willow. "Jaune is humble and sweet. You know he doesn't judge." She snapped her fingers. "In fact, I actually arranged a little nightcap with him. He wants to have a talk."

"When," asked Whitley.

"Tonight," replied Willow. "So, go and take a shower so we can get ready."

"But the shower is broken," said Winter.

"Good thing about sinks, right," said Willow.

* * *

That evening, the sisters and their mother go to Jaune's house for a visit. The Arc family wasn't home with the exception of Jaune. It was the idea of the girls to get acquainted with each other. Willow suggested to Jaune that in order to acquaint himself with the girls, he need to see them separately.

"I don't know, Ms. Schnee, I am a bit nervous," he told her.

"Don't be, Jaune. Trust me, these are good girls," said Willow.

"I don't want to force them for anything," said Jaune. "I know it was your idea and…" He was interrupted when she pressed her fingers to his lip.

"Relax, Jaune. I've taught them everything I know. They know how to handle themselves," she told him.

"Okay," he told her.

Willow had already spoken to the girls on what they must do if they want Jaune to marry one of them. So, as instructed, the nervous Jaune waited as each girl was getting ready for their talk. They were in three separate rooms. When one door opened, Jaune would enter the room.

Weiss was the first girl to open the door. Jaune bowed as Willow entered inside of the room. Willow stood by the door as she hoped that Weiss made a good impression.

It wasn't long when she heard the middle daughter screaming.

Willow wasn't phased. "Well, screaming is like moaning. Should be normal for her when being with johns. So, I think she is fine."

An hour later, Jaune stepped out of the room. He closed the door and went to Willow. She remained silent. She swayed her hand to the eldest daughter's room. Winter opened the door and Jaune went inside.

Just like Weiss, she waited by Winter's door.

It wasn't long when she heard the eldest daughter laughing.

Willow wasn't phased. "Winter had a sense of humor. What he is doing must be humorous. That's normal."

About an hour and a half later, Jaune stepped out of the room. He closed the door and once again went to Willow. She swayed her hand to her youngest daughter's room. Jaune was a bit apprehensive. However, he was interrupted by her fingers again. "It's on the inside that counts, Jaune dear." Whitley opened the door and Jaune went inside.

Just like Weiss and Winter, she waited by Whitley's door.

However, there was silence going on in the room. Willow waited for thirty minutes to hear something, but she didn't hear anything.

Willow wasn't phased. "Whitley was the silent type. No matter. That's normal."

About three hours later, Jaune stepped out of the room and closed the door. He looked to Willow. He didn't say a word. He nodded to her and returned to his room.

* * *

The next day, the girls were having breakfast in the kitchen. The Arc family have returned by morning. The Arc sisters didn't mind making breakfast for their guest. As the Schnee family was sitting outside for private talk, Willow asked the girls on what happened in the bedroom with Jaune.

"So, Weiss. Explanation on why you were screaming," she asked her.

Weiss blushed. She averted her eyes. "Well, you have always told me that if it hurt I should scream."

"You are correct, my child. The Arc boy is well built," said Willow.

"Vomit Boy isn't bad," she told her mother as she took a sip of her juice.

Willow turned to Winter. "So, Winter, why were you laughing?"

"You have told me whenever it tickled, I should laugh," she told her.

"You're right, my dear," answered Willow. "Honestly, I was a ticklish girl myself whenever your father made sex with me." She turned to Whitley. "No offense, Whitley."

The white-haired child raised her hand. "None taken."

"So, since we are on the subject. Why were you so quiet in the room. In fact, for quite a while?"

Whitley blushed. She turned beet red. "Well, Mom. You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

A few moments later, Jaune nervously stepped outside. The girls turned to Jaune. Willow crossed her legs as she saw the boy who had his encounter with her daughters. "So, Jaune, have you made a decision on which girl you want."

He scratched under his chin. "Well, I have made my decision, but unfortunately the story is going to a close."

"What are you talking about," asked Willow.

"I mean the story is over. The end."

"Wait for a second," said Willow. "This isn't fiction. I mean we aren't like  _The Sopranos_ when they love cutting scenes in mid-"

**Executive Producers**

**Big Diesel**

**[girlfriendoftheauthor]**

_**I hope you guys enjoyed this wack-up chapter. Honestly, we didn't know what we were thinking as we wrote this. If you like it, cool. If not, oh well. Stay tuned in the future for another one-shot. More wacky stories to come.** _


	3. The Ill Attempts of Comedy (Part I)

_**Hey, guys. [girlfriendoftheauthor] here with another chapter on this installment of Jaune's Awakening. I know it has been a while since working on this. We were pondering in the direction of making humorous stories and joke books. Some of these jokes you may have heard before, but isn't it funny when seeing RWBY characters in this? In this particular chapter, the characters of RWBY will present themselves in their humorous manner. Don't worry, Jaune will present himself in another chapter.** _

**Jaune's Awakening presents…"The Ill Attempts of Comedy (Part I)"**

**Short Story #1**

Cardin Winchester was driving down a lonely stretch of highway on his way to meet with the fellow members of team CRDL when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye.

Posted in white on a green sign, it read: "Grace House of Prostitution - 10 miles"

The pompous leader thought that it was a figment of his imagination and continued to drive without a second thought. He was tired and just returned from spending the weekend with his parents. The faster he headed back to Beacon, the better. Soon, he saw another sign which said. "Sisters of Grace House of Prostitution - 5 miles."

He realized that these signs were legitimate. As he drove forward, he saw a third sign saying: "Sisters of Grace House of Prostitution - Next Exit."

Cardin's curiosity got the best of him as he pulled into the driveway of Grace House. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: "Sisters of Grace."

He climbed the steps and rung the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. The beautiful looking nun reminded Cardin of a certain redhead that he had scuffles in the past.

"Greetings, my dear and faithful son," said the nun. "What may we do for you today?"

Cardin answered, "I was on my way back to school when I saw your signs down the highway. I was kind of interested in possibly doing business."

"Really, my son? Aren't you a little young?"

"Judging by the attire of your outfit, especially where your busts stick out and the tightness of it, do you think you are fit to ask me questions?"

The nun sighed. "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

Cardin was excited as he thought that he was going to engage in a rendezvous with some frilly nuns. He hoped to engage in girls that look like Weiss or Professor Goodwitch. Or at least the Malachite twins.

The Pyrrha-looking nun and Cardin was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told Cardin, "Please knock on this door."

Cardin did what he was told and the door was answered by another nun in a long habit. That nun reminded him of Professor Goodwitch. In her hand, she was holding a tin cup. The Goodwitch-looking nun instructed Cardin, "Please place $75 in this cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

"Is this where I head to the action?"

"Yes, my son. A very  _hard_ lesson for you have sinned and need to be reprimanded," she purred to the CRDL leader.

He placed the money into the tin cup as he headed down to the hall. He slipped through the door and pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind, he found himself back in the parking lot.

"What the hell," he barked.

As he looked forward, he saw another small sign. It read: "You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Grace! Go in Peace, my son!"

**Short Story #2**

Jaune was spending the weekend working on rebuilding the shed from the previous Grimm attack. He wasn't alone as fellow classmate Sun Wukong was assisting him. As he was working on the shed's roof, he shouted to Sun on the ground. Being that it was a windy day, Sun couldn't hear Jaune very well. So, Jaune decided to use signals.

Jaune pointed to his eye, meaning "I." He then pointed to his knees, meaning "knee." He then moved his hand back and forth, meaning "handsaw."

Sun gave Jaune the OK sign. Suddenly, Jaune witnessed Sun pulling down his pants and began to masturbate. Jaune frantically jumped from the roof and ran to the occupied Sun.

Jaune yelled, "Dude! What the hell! I wasn't implying anything like that. I just wanted a handsaw."

Sun stopped, giving Jaune the OK sign. "He knew that, dude. I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

**Short Story #3**

Summer Rose works as a representative for a condom company. She was on her way to an international condom convention. As she was rushing through the airport, she dropped her suitcase, scattering the condoms across the airport floor.

A passerby on her way to parts unknown saw the scattered condoms on the floor as Summer was picking them up. Their eyes met.

"Don't worry. It's okay," said Summer. "I'm going to a convention."

**Short Story #4 (As seen on** _**Random Moments From the Academy.** _ **One of my personal favorites. This time, it is between Blake and Jaune. Don't judge me!)**

Jaune Arc and Blake Belladonna were only eleven years old, but they knew that they were very much in love. So much so that Jaune proposed to Blake in front of their favorite sycamore tree. He wasn't able to get an expensive ring but settled for a plastic ring from a vending machine at the toy store. Blake was delighted, kissing him as a token of her appreciation. One day, Jaune decided to ask Blake's father, Ghira, for her hand in marriage. He waited until Ghira was alone to bravely ask the tall, brawn man.

"Mr. Belladonna," said Jaune. "I would like to propose Blake's hand in marriage."

Ghira crossed his legs. He thought it was the cutest thing the blonde produced out of his mouth. He removed his glasses, asking Jaune to have a seat on the couch. He took a deep breath before responding to Jaune's question. "Well, Jauney, that is a tough proposition. Think you are ready for marriage?"

Jaune nodded in agreement. "Yes, sir. Blake and I are really much in love. I even proposed to her in front of your sycamore tree."

Blake tried hard to contain his laughter. "So, Jauney. You want to marry my daughter?"

"Yes, sir!"

"You kids are only eleven. What are you going to do for a place to live?"

Jaune reached into his pocket. Astonishingly, he pulled a pair of glasses. He was reading from the note. "We were thinking with me, sir. I live on a farm. My room is bigger. Also, we have lots of vegetables and livestock so Blake would be well taken care of."

Ghira still thought this was adorable. He decided to take another poke at him. "You did your homework, young man. Smart."

"Thank you, sir."

"So, you have thought of living arrangments." He peered closer to the young boy. "What about a job? How can you support my lovely daughter without having the support of your own?"

Jaune quickly interjected. "Never you worry, sir. I am a fee collector for the local newspaper. I make $100 a week. So, that makes $400 a month. Plus, I even work around the house and get an allowance." He smiled. "That way, even if Blake doesn't work, she will be in great hands."

Ghira was puzzled. He scratched under his chin. No way this boy calculated these plans without a sibling, a parent, or a relative giving him these ideas. As a Trump card, he thought of something that should stump the lad's thinking.

"Well, Jauney. You have thought long and hard about this decision. You must really love my daughter?"

"I do, sir. Very, very much."

"Just one more question. If you can get this, you can have my daughter."

The glowing smile of Jaune was apparent. "Yes, sir. Ask away."

"What would you do if the two of you decided to have little ones of your own." He thought he was clever. "What should you do about that?"

Jaune just shrugged his shoulder and told Blake's father. "Well, sir. We've been lucky this far. My sister gives me these things that are made of plastic. I think they are called rubbers?" Jaune stopped when he saw Ghira lying on the ground.

"Sir, sir? Oh, dear, he fainted."

**Short Story #5 (Don't judge the pairing but enjoy the story)**

Professor Goodwitch and Professor Pine meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at the hotel, compliments of the faculty of Beacon Academy. That night as the newly wedded Mr. and Mrs. Pine were cuddling in bed, the bride said to her new groom gently, "Please promise me to be gentle." As the blushing bribe she was, she added, "I am still...a virgin."

The elder Pine was startled and astounded by her comment. No way was this profound beauty was a virgin. "Dear, how could that be? You've been married thrice!"

Goodwitch responded, "Well if I can explain this thoroughly, my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was study and look it at it."

"What about your third husband?"

"Well, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to was...God, I miss him."

**Short Story #6**

Jaune and Pyrrha were having a quickie in the back of his mother's car as they had spare time after leaving the movies. He parked the car in a dark alleyway so no one could see them. As Jaune was commencing to having sex, he felt the intensity of Pyrrha and he loved it.

As he was close to climaxing, he stated, "Damn, this is fantastic, baby. But why are your ankles banging against my ears."

Pyrrha replied, "That's because I've still got my tights on."

**Short Story #7**

It was a usual warm Spring afternoon as Jaune was playing in his backyard. Soon, some honeybees start swirling around, which annoyed the young Arc. In frustration of missing with his playtime, he stomped on them.

His father caught him in the act, becoming upset at his son's act. He barked to his son. "That's it, young man! No honey for a month!"

Later that afternoon, Jaune was coming back from the woods as he pondered around some butterflies. As he was catching each butterfly, his shoe was their final resting place.

His father caught him in the act, becoming upset at his son's act again. He barked to his son. "That's it! No butter for you for a month!"

Later the evening, Jaune and his family were in the dining room as his mother was preparing dinner. His mother got jumpy when cockroaches were scurring on the kitchen floor. Having a fit, she began stomping on each and every one of them until all of them were dead. His mother looked to the family as they were stunned by her act.

Jaune turned to his father. "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

**Short Story #8**

Ghira Belladonna went to the doctor's office to get his wife's, Kali, test results. As he arrived at the counter, the receptionist told him, "I am sorry, Mr. Belladonna, but I am afraid that there has been a mistake on our end."

"What is the matter," asked Ghira.

"Well, there has been a mix-up at the lab. When we submitted your wife's sample, it was sent with another Mrs. Belladonna as well. So, we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. I am afraid that is either bad or terrible."

"Explain please."

"Well, one Mrs. Belladonna has tested positive for early onset dementia and the other for AIDS," said the receptionist. "So, we don't know which one your wife has."

"Oh, my Oum. Can there be a retest," asked Ghira worriedly.

"As much as we want it, your insurance won't pay for more than one expensive test," replied the receptionist.

"Well, what should I supposed to do," asked Ghira.

"The doctor recommends that you should drop your wife off in the middle of the woods. If she finds her way back home, then don't sleep with her."

**Short Story #9 (Warning: the ending is a bit risque and graphic. Just giving you a head's up.)**

Neptune was worried as he felt something was wrong with his penis after having an encounter with Weiss from the previous night. He decided to go to a doctor's office to get it checked out.

As he entered the crowded office, he went to the receptionist. The receptionist cracked a smile and asked, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"

"There is something wrong with my dick, ma'am," he said worriedly.

The shocked receptionist replied, "You shouldn't come inside a crowded office like that, young man. That is quite rude of you."

"Forgive me," cried Neptune. "It's just my dick...something is wrong with it and I think I need to get it checked out, miss."

"We don't use that kind of language at this clinic," said the receptionist as she pointed at the door. "Step outside and try again. This time, tell me when you return that something is wrong with your ear, nose, or something."

"Yes, ma'am." Neptune followed her orders and stepped out of the clinic. A few minutes later, Neptune returned to the clinic and faced the receptionist.

The receptionist smiled smugly to Neptune. "Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to our clinic, what can I do for you."

Neptune answered, "Yes, ma'am. I think something is wrong with my 'nose'."

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is the matter with your 'nose', sir?"

He peered closer to the receptionist. "Is it normal for your 'nose' to seep pus?"

_**Apologies once again! I hope you have read the warning beforehand.** _

**Short Story #10**

Nora Valkyrie has been taking golf lessons. She started seeing her surrogate brother, Lie Ren, taking up the hobby. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Ren was resting on the lounge chair when he saw Nora entering the clubhouse. He asked, "Why are you back so early, Nora? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," cried Nora.

"Where," he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said. "Apparently your stance is too wide."

**Short Story #11 (This story involves Jaune and his sister, Joey. See** _**The Arc Family Rules** _ **for more information)**

Jaune was walking with his youngest sister, Joey, as he was taking his little Kickapoo to her swimming lessons. Suddenly, they come across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, bro-bro," asked Joey.

Not wanting his six-year-old sister exposed to that, he said, "the dog on top is hurt and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They are just like people, aren't they, bro-bro?"

"How do you mean, my little Kickapoo," asked Jaune.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said Joey. "And they screw you each and every time."

**Short Story #12**

It was the night before Christmas and Jaune couldn't quite explain how and why he took over the role of doing Santa's job. One moment, he was lying in bed and then the next was at Santa's workshop.

"Santa, why do you need me?"

"Because this Santa needs a break and I know you have been a good boy over the years."

"Sir, what makes me a good replacement?"

"You see, Santa got into an accident with the Mrs. and since I know your track record is to be the greatest huntsman, I know it will be worth your while."

"Okay, sir. I will do it."

"Thanks, my son. Now, make haste. I promise to make any wish you desire after doing this gig. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

The elves acquired Jaune's outfit to match the part of Santa. They stuffed his outfit with cotton to appear that he was good and jolly. They applied a wig and a mask for his beard. The elves told Jaune that the reindeers were familiar with the territory and he shouldn't be alarmed.

With Jaune on the sleigh, he was ready to fulfill Santa's task.

Meanwhile, a beautiful white-haired snow princess by the name of Weiss Schnee wanted to meet Santa Claus. So, she put on a robe and stayed up late for his arrival. Jaune (Santa) arrived, climbed down the chimney and began filling the stockings.

Jaune was about to leave when Weiss said in a sexy voice. "Oh, Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Jaune was shocked to see it was Weiss. Keeping his composure and not blowing his cover, he said. "Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to all the good boys and girls, you know."

Weiss dropped her robe to reveal a sexy black bra and panties. Jaune (Santa) swallowed the lump in his throat and the tenacity of his classmate and friend. "Oh, Santa! Don't run a mile. Just stay for a little while," she purred in a sexier voice.

Jaune was profusing sweat. No way in Beacon would Weiss do this with him if she knew who it was behind the mask. "Ho ho ho," he exclaimed now nervously. "Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta get the presents to all the good boys and girls, you know."

Weiss came closer to Jaune (Santa). She took off her bra, displaying her gorgeous breasts.  _You are killing me, Schnee._ "Please stay, dear Santa, to play if you may."

"Ho...ho...ho," he said as he was startled nervously. "Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta get the presents...to...all...the good bre-, I mean good boys and girls, you know."

Weiss dropped her panties and said to Jaune (Santa), "Santa, baby. Why don't you stay to play for a ring with me, okay?"

_I promise to make any wish you desire after doing this gig._

Jaune felt the itch in his pants as he desired to fill a different kind of stocking. "Hey, hey, hey! Santa doesn't mind to stay and play for a ring if you please." He dropped his bag. "Can't get up the chimney with my hard cane this way."

_Ho! Ho! Ho!_

_**Meanwhile….** _

As Santa was resting on the chair as Mrs. Claus was packing for their trip to Tahiti, he was reading a letter that caused him his holiday.

_Dearest Santa,_

_Make Jaune dressed like Santa for Christmas as my present unless your factory will become a subsidiary of Schnee Dust Company!_

_Merry Christmas,_

_Weiss Schnee_

_**I hoped you enjoy the wacky antics of this chapter. Until next time, world!** _

_**To be continued….** _


	4. The Ill Attempts of Comedy (Part II)

**Short Story #1**

Jaune goes on a date with his classmate, Weiss. After taking her to the movies and having dinner, the couple decides to go for a night drive.

They are parked on a back road so they can see the clear view of stars.

Jaune is nervous. This is his first date with a girl who is actually his crush. As he ponders on what to do, Weiss stops him.

"Jaune, before we go any further, there is something I need to you."

"What is it," he asks nervously.

"I want to be honest. I should have mentioned this earlier." She sighs. "I do compensation dating."

"Compensation dating," he says. "Like a hooker?"

She sighs. "Yes, like a hooker. I should I have said something earlier. You are just a nice guy."

Jaune drops his head. "In a way, I should have known better. Oum, I am stupid."

She touches his arm. "Don't be! You are a sweetheart. You are a good boyfriend to be. I wish you lots of luck for any girl that likes you." She lets go. "However, a job is a job. So, I do have to charge if you want to go further."

"How much?"

"$20!"

She begins to unbutton her blouse. She pulls out a condom from her pocket. "So, do you want to rattle?"

Jaune knows that an opportunity like this isn't going to present itself anytime soon. Reluctantly, he pays her. So, the evening is filled with Jaune losing his virginity to Weiss in compensation dating.

When finished, Weiss pulls the condom from him and tosses it outside. Jaune buttons his pants and laments about the date. As Weiss applies her makeup, she notices that Jaune isn't going anywhere. He sat looking at the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere," asks Weiss.

"Since we are being honest," he says as he points to the sticker on the window. "I should have mentioned to you earlier that I am actually a part-time Uber driver. I know your mother gave me a stern promise of taking you back home." He looks at his cell phone. "The fare to take you back home is going to be $30."

**Short Story #2**

Jaune enters a barber shop for a shave. He knows Blake's mother, Kali, is a hair stylist and doesn't mind shaving Jaune. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says Kali taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

Jaune places the ball in his mouth and begins to give Jaune the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, Jaune asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says Kali. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

**Short Story #3**

Jaune and Winter Schnee are having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, notices that Jaune is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with Winter acting unconcerned. The waitress watches as the man slides all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Winter dining across from him appears calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion has disappeared.

After the waitress finishing taking the order, she comes over to the table and says to Winter, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

Winter calmly looks up at her and replies firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

**Short Story #4**

It was a typical afternoon at the playground as Jaune, Lie Ren, and Blake was playing in the sandbox. It was Blake that gave Jaune his attention when he noticed Jaune's father's car passing the playground and headed into the woods.

Curious, Jaune and his friends followed his father in the woods where he saw his father and Blake's mother in a passionate embrace.

The kids ran out of the woods. Blake told Jaune to not talk about what they have seen.

The problem was that eight-year-old Jaune Arc couldn't keep secrets.

He ran home to his mother to tell her what he had seen in the woods. "Mommy, Mommy. Earlier, I was in the woods and I saw Daddy and-"

His mother, Juniper, grabbed him and put him on his lap. "First, slow down, sweetheart. Second, not a hug and a kiss?"

Jaune hugged and kissed his mother before trying to explain what he saw. "Okay, try again, sweetie."

Jaune explained to his mother. "Well, I was at the playground when I saw Daddy go with Auntie Kali into the woods. My friends and I went to look and he was giving Auntie Kali a big kiss."

Juniper frowned. "Okay, dear. What else happened?"

"I saw him turn her around and took off her shirt. They were panting loudly. It was hot outside so I think they were cooling off."

"What else they did, honey?"

"They kissed once again. Auntie took off his pants. Then, he grabbed her and put her on the hood of the car. Then, they began wrestling."

Juniper held onto Jaune tightly. "All right, dear. Say no more. I want you to save it for Daddy when he gets home." She bit her lip. "I want to see your father's surprised face when you tell it tonight." She reached for the phonebook. "In fact, let's make tonight special, Jaune. Care to go out tonight?"

Later that night, the Arc family were at a pizzeria. It was there where the excited Jaune repeated the story in front of his parents and siblings.

Juniper had an agitated smile. His father was getting paler by the minute.

Jaune took a bite of his pizza. "So, I saw Daddy and Auntie Kali wrestling. It kind of reminded me of you, Mommy when Uncle Jacques used to come over when Daddy was out of town."

The following day, the Arc family attended marriage counseling. They decided to call it even.

**Short Story #5**

It was Jaune's last day as a fee collector for the local newspaper before heading off to college. His four years of service was highly noticeable, recognized, and greatly appreciated. He was popular throughout his route.

At the first residence, he was welcomed by the Belladonna family. They baked him a pie and they gave him a gift card as a thank you for his service. Jaune thanked the family and carried on with his business.

At the second residence, he was welcomed by Taiyang Long and his children, Yang and Ruby. They presented him a plate of pancakes and a Gunpla toy as a thank you for his service. He thanked them and carried on with his business.

At the final residence of his block, he was met by Willow Schnee. At the entrance, she was wearing a revealing lingerie. Without a chance to speak, she grabbed his hand and lead him into the home.

There, he was welcomed by her lovemaking. Jaune couldn't imagine the passion Mrs. Schnee gave him. He gave her his virginity as she basked into the pleasure. So much so that she even allowed to release his contents inside of her.

The duo engaged in sex for the rest of the afternoon.

After they were finished, Willow took him to the kitchen to make him a huge breakfast. Although it was late to be dinner, he didn't mind. She said it was a "breakfast built for a king...for her king of the hour." The blushing Jaune was welcomed to hash browns, pancakes, salad, sashimi, waffles, and orange juice.

The duo ate in silence. He was eternally grateful of today. As she gave him a plate of dessert, a chocolate pie a la mode, he noticed a dollar sticking under his breakfast plate.

"How was your breakfast, Jaune," she asked.

"It was delicious. Thanks!" He looked at her. "Say, I noticed that there is a dollar here. Any particular reason may I ask?"

"Well," said Willow. "Last night, I asked my husband on what we should give you for your last route. He said, 'Fuck that dude. Give him a dollar for his worth.'" She pecked him on the cheek. "The breakfast was my idea as a token of my appreciation."

**Short Story #6**

Jaune was hired to play as a guitar for background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the film. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, Jaune went to the porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark sunglasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a quite-so-familiar couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

Jaune was going to pretend that he didn't see Kali and Ghira Belladonna and vice versa.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared. It featured group sex, lesbian sex, shemale-on-male and male-on-shemale, S&M, and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed Jaune turned to the couple and said, "I am only here to listen to the music."

Kali tilted her sunglasses as she brushed under her fake mustache. "Yeah! We're only here to see our dog."


End file.
